Kink glossary: plain words for common terms

This kink glossary explains common terms in plain words, for adults who are curious or who have just met a word they do not know. It is never explicit. Definitions vary between communities and change over time, so treat this page as a starting point, and ask people what they mean when it matters. Words about consent and safety come first, because everything else rests on them.

The foundations

Kink: An umbrella word for tastes and activities that go beyond what is usually thought of as conventional. It covers a very wide range and is not one single thing.
BDSM: A group of practices around bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. People use the term in different ways, and many feel that only some parts apply to them.
Consent: A clear yes, freely given by every person involved, that can be withdrawn at any moment. Silence, pressure or simply going along is not consent. Kink for beginners goes further.
Negotiation: The conversation before anything begins, when people agree what they want, what they do not want and how they will stop. A negotiation checklist lists the points to cover.
Limits: What someone will or will not do. A hard limit is a firm no. A soft limit is something to approach with great care, or only in certain conditions, and it can change over time.

Roles

Roles belong to the scene. They never decide who has the last word about stopping, which is always everyone.

Dominant: The person who leads in a scene, with the agreement of everyone involved.
Submissive: The person who follows in a scene, within the limits they have agreed. The role is chosen, and it does not mean having no say.
Switch: Someone who enjoys both leading and following, depending on the person or the day.
Top: The person who carries out an activity in a scene. It is not always the same as dominant.
Bottom: The person who receives it. It is not always the same as submissive.

Reading glasses reflecting a page of text, black and white photo for a kink glossary

During a scene

Scene: An agreed experience with a beginning and an end, planned in advance.
Play: The word many people use for the activities of a scene. It does not mean unserious. It means chosen.
Roleplay: Taking on a character or a story that was agreed in advance. A character may say no inside the story, which is why a safeword sits outside it.
Safeword: A word or signal that stops everything at once. How safewords work explains how to choose one.
Traffic light: The green, yellow and red system: things are good, something needs to change, or everything stops.
Check in: A short question to ask how someone is, during or after a scene.
Subspace: A floaty, altered state of mind that some people describe during an intense scene. It can make speaking or judging harder, which is why agreed signals and regular check ins matter.

After a scene

Aftercare: The physical and emotional care that follows an intense experience. What aftercare is describes the options.
Drop: A dip in mood, energy or confidence that can follow, sometimes hours or days later.
Debrief: A calm talk afterwards about what worked, what did not and what to change next time.

Words from the community

Munch: A relaxed social meeting for people interested in kink, usually in a public place such as a café, with no play. A gentle way to meet people. Meeting someone from the kink world explains why public places help.
Vanilla: A word some people use for conventional sex, or for people outside kink. It is not meant as an insult, and it is best used lightly.
Fetish: A strong attraction to a specific object, material or situation.
Shibari: A Japanese rope tying art that has become popular around the world. Skill, safety and consent matter more than appearance. What shibari is gives the overview, and the history of shibari tells how it began.

Two phrases you may meet

SSC: Short for safe, sane and consensual, an older phrase that many people still use as a guide.
RACK: Short for risk aware consensual kink, a newer phrase that stresses that no activity is free of risk, and that people should know what they accept.

People debate which phrase fits best. What they share is the idea that everything rests on informed consent.

How to use this glossary

Ask rather than guess. “What does that word mean to you?” is a good question, and nobody should mind it.
Remember that a word is not a promise. Agree what you mean in plain sentences.
Look elsewhere for platform and agency vocabulary: the creator glossary covers it.
If a word comes with an idea you have heard and doubt, BDSM myths, answered calmly may help.
Take your time. Nobody needs to know every word to have a clear conversation.

Questions and answers

Do I need to know all these words before I talk about this?

No. Plain sentences about what you want and what you do not want work better than any term.

What if someone uses a word differently from me?

Ask them to explain. The same word can mean different things to different people, which is one reason negotiation matters.

Is kink the same as BDSM?

Not exactly. Kink is the wider word. BDSM is one part of it, and not everyone interested in kink identifies with it.

Where can I read more?

Start with kink for beginners, then the negotiation checklist.